What Do You Mean "You're Letting Others Run Your Life"?!
I have a friend, who doesn't read this blog, that I've known for most of my life. We used to have a lot in common. We used to both work full time jobs and spend our free time doing things like going out to bars, spending money and traveling together. He was with me during my stupid years when I bought a car that I couldn't afford on credit down in California. He was also with me during my transformation from lover of stuff to lover of freedom and options. During a trip to Seattle that I shouldn't have been on with this friend, we discussed our finances as we drove out to the mountains one day.
3 Years Ago, I Was Jealous of My Now-Broke Friend
"I'm jealous of you, I told him". He was debt free at the time (besides his house), and I had both student loans and a car loan that I was trying to get out from underneath of. He laughed at my expense since I had debt and he didn't.
Three and a half years later, this friend is on the brink of complete financial ruin, while I sit here writing in my pajamas with a cup of coffee at 5am, not caring about how early it is because I can take a nap later. I'm debt free and have a pile of money working for me in investments, enough cash to last at least a year and a driving force of potential and opportunity ahead of me. What happened in this picture that changed over such a short period of time?
What happened is that this friend followed the advice of other people. He's been living the life other people, like his family and friends, want him to live. He felt the need to cave to peer pressure to buy that snowmobile, that scooter and that fancy SUV. He didn't feel the need to question the whole thing and what he wanted out of life. He also didn't feel the need to read his friend's blog or even bother to ask about how his friend was able to accomplish so much financially in just a few short years.
This post isn't to dis my friend. He's a great person. I've just observed some things that make me believe he isn't living life with a plan at all, but rather living out what other people want for him. To me, that seems very sad, because there's so much more to life than that.
Others Will Attempt to Run Our Lives and We Need to Say No
How many times have you heard unsolicited advice from your family or friends? Often, it's in the form of "What you need to do is..." or "I know this company and if you'd like, I can make a call". Other times, they may say something like "I'd buy a nice car that's reliable" or, "I'd look at buying a house if I were you". When this happens, nod your head and walk away. Of course, don't be rude, but don't listen to a word they tell you. The person you should be listening to is YOU.
My questions (did you notice how I said questions, not "words of wisdom or advice") for you are these:
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WHAT do you value?
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WHO do you care about?
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What do you want to accomplish that's in line with those values and helps those people?
Now, I won't tell you what to do with your life, but I will give you a warning. If you live the life others want you to live, you'll never actually live YOUR life. You'll be pissed off internally forever and you most likely won't ever do anything meaningful. In fact, you might find yourself in a situation where you're barely treading water. The point is, stop listening to others and listen to yourself. Find out what you care about and start doing something about it, NOW.
Let's Get Some Perspective on the Urgency Here
I'll be 30 years old in a few months. For all of you younger than this, the exercise I'm about to walk through may not work (but still might). For all you older than me, this should work for you:
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Remember back to some of your earliest memories - For me, this brings me back to somewhere around 1988. I remember where I sat and the friends I made in kindergarten. I remember family members who died early in my life like my Grandpa Mathias. I remember mainly emotional experiences like funerals from way back then. These memories go back 25 years. Think back to memories that are 25 years old or more.
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Consider the time period that's passed since those memories, which is 25 years (or more). According to Wikipedia, the life expectancy in the U.S. is 79 for males and 82 for females. First off, I don't count my chickens before they hatch so I don't assume I'll live that long. For me, it just takes looking up the chain a bit (a grandpa who died in his early 60's and a dad who died in his mid-forties) to get insight into this. Let's say that I'll outlive those two big time and live to be 75. Using that estimate for my life expectancy, here's some quick facts:
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I'm 40% of the way through my life.
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The time that's passed since my earliest memory (25 years) is one-third of my entire life and over one-half of the time I have left.
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For the first time in my life, I'm at a point where I can comprehend the length of a lifetime. The rest of my life can be calculated in my mind by taking the entire scope of my memory (the past 25 years) and multiplying it by 1.8. That's some math that I can logically do in my head to get a feel for all this.
Do the math for your life to get a feel for this as well. The point of this exercise isn't to cry about it, but instead it's to wake up and realize "Holy crap, my life is actually passing me by and will be over soon". It's a wake up call we all need.
Once Awake, Take Action
Whether you've already woken up or if that exercise helped you get there, it's time to start doing something. No longer is it okay to live someone else's life. That means, it's no longer acceptable to:
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Buy cars other people think you should by
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Live where other people think you should live
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Take a job other people think you should have
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Live how other people expect you to live
It's time to start running your own life. Your time is running out. If you're not starting on a project that matters to you, working towards accomplishing something great, caring about people who really matter to you or just being true to yourself, than you may never get to it. Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us. You think you'll live until 79? What if the actual number is 35? Then what? Seriously, what if you die when you're 35? Will you be happy with how you spent your last 5-10 years? Will the world be impacted by you in a positive way? Or will it just be a tragedy where you were taken "too soon". It must have been an accident, right? Yeah, right. I don't believe there are any accidents.
It's time to wake up.
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25 Comments
- Retire Before Dad says:October 15, 2013 at 9:39 AM
YCL, As many of us have, your broke friend is going to have to figure out his future path on his own. I've wanted to help people in a similar situation of personal ruin, but its hard to get through to someone that hasn't made the decision to change on their own. Sometimes it takes hitting bottom to make a change. Maybe he needs to hit bottom before rebuilding. Or maybe he should start reading your blog. -RBD
- Kraig @ Young Cheap Living says:October 15, 2013 at 11:36 AM
RBD, You're right, he likely has to hit rock bottom. But man, if he isn't at rock bottom now, then I'm a little scared. If I was in his position, I'd be at rock bottom. I suppose it's different for each of us. Of course, he should start reading my blog. But that's a no brainer for everyone. :) Take care,
- FFdividend says:October 15, 2013 at 10:08 AM
WOW great post. I am taking action!!! very inspirational post. thanks
- Kraig @ Young Cheap Living says:October 15, 2013 at 11:37 AM
FFdividend, Glad you found i useful. Sometimes, we just need to do the math and realize how quickly time is going. Take care,
- Debt Blag says:October 15, 2013 at 11:16 AM
Not worrying what others think is probably the biggest, most important step to getting more frugal. Houses, cars, clothes, even branded cereal. There are lots of ways to waste money when you start worrying what others think
- Kraig @ Young Cheap Living says:October 15, 2013 at 11:38 AM
Debt Blag, I agree with that statement. It's tough to go against what people want you to do. Sometimes, they'll laugh. They will almost always question it. It's needed though if you're to follow your own path. Thanks for stopping by!
- Ajaveen says:October 24, 2013 at 2:26 PM
I agree it is helping me to save more money and keep focus on paying off student loan.
- Bryan says:October 15, 2013 at 11:28 AM
Great call to action Kraig. We absolutely need to take responsibility for our lives and our happiness. The buck stops with each of us, because no one else is responsible to make us live sustainable lives. I have friends like this also. I have several family members like your friend too. I decided a while ago never to take advice from anyone, in any aspect of my life, unless I viewed that aspect of their life as an unmitigated success. So many people are quick to tell us what we should do, while their own lives are falling apart or at the very least they don't listen to their own advice. Amusingly enough I have a neighbor who told me he was looking at at a new Yukon and asked what I thought. He had a paid for 10 year old Chevy Avalanche, but the specifics aren't important. He told me the Yukon he was looking at would cost about $63k. I am quite frugal, but I thought to myself, "here is a guy who's not thinking." He's retired, loves his current SUV, and doesn't have much money. Given that his Avalanche runs great and doesn't have many miles, it seems like a no-brainer. He could replace the engine and transmission in his suv and still have $50k left. Just crazy -Bryan
- Kraig @ Young Cheap Living says:October 15, 2013 at 11:53 AM
Bryan, Great chatting with you this morning. Also, glad you enjoyed the post. Yes, the buck does stop with each one of us. Funny story about your neighbor. I just don't get why people want to upgrade something that's already much better than what they need. Wait, I remember. That used to be me. Glad it's not me anymore. Talk to you soon,
- Ashley says:October 15, 2013 at 1:52 PM
Another awesome (but a little depressing- in a good way) post, Kraig! I'm still working on not caring what people think-- for example, this recent move made me realize how much i HATE having so much crap in my apartment. I used to buy things to make our apartment look cute, like my friends' apartments. But I realize now that I don't care if ours looks a little barren-- I don't want to keep purchasing knick knacks just to keep up with everyone else's expectations! I hate thinking that so much of my life has already passed me by. I am glad I took a leap of faith to hopefully change my life for the better from now on! I love these wake up posts-- keep 'em comin :)
- krantcents says:October 15, 2013 at 6:46 PM
It is okay to listen to everyone, but it is still your decision and it should always be yours. You have to live with your decision so you should make it yours. This is particularly true for goals, careers and your purchases.
- Tara @ Streets Ahead Living says:October 15, 2013 at 10:37 PM
My mother's sister, against my calling and advice, went and bought a brand new car on finance as opposed to the technically used but only had 4,000 mile car that was $5,000 cheaper and she could've gotten the SAME finance rate on. All because it wasn't new. And my aunt was to blame as she's quite the influencer on my mom when she's around her. It's not my money but it's still annoying! When people are like that in your life, it's best to try to separate yourself as much as you can from people like that, or at least get out of shopping situations with them!
- Mitch says:October 16, 2013 at 9:43 AM
Great post! Our society is so ridiculous. This past weekend my wife and I went to Target, parking our dented and older Honda Accord next to a newer Audi A4. As we got out a couple in their early 20s walked up the A4 and literally sneered at us! My wife looked at me and exclaimed 'did that just happen!' We almost got a newer car a month ago to have something 'safe and reliable'. So glad we DIDN'T follow through with that. Instead taking 2 weeks unpaid time from work to travel to Europe at the end of the month. Experiences over things indeed!
- October 18, 2013 at 3:29 PM
Great post, I'm definitely guilty of letting what other people think control my actions.
- Cash Rebel says:October 20, 2013 at 8:34 AM
So I'm 25 and I've never really thought that my life is a third over (hopefully just a fourth), but it's quite strange to visualize that that's all the time we've got. Thoughtful post!
- Michael Taylor says:October 23, 2013 at 2:37 PM
Kraig, I just turned 42 this month! Time definitely flies by. It only seems to get faster every year. Enjoyed the post. Your action will inspire a lot of people.
- Michael Taylor says:October 23, 2013 at 2:38 PM
Oops! 41... See your memory goes too. :o)
- Kraig @ Young Cheap Living says:October 23, 2013 at 6:26 PM
Wow, that's a little sad when you forget your own age. I'll forgive you though! :)
- Kraig @ Young Cheap Living says:October 23, 2013 at 6:25 PM
Michael, Yes, time does fly by. It does seem to speed up as we get older as well. Thanks for the kind words, buddy. It was great meeting you last week and I look forward to continue our journey's together. Stay in touch!
- Reid says:October 23, 2013 at 11:50 PM
Great, great post. While it's important to live in the now, it's also important to be able to take a step back in order to take in the grand scheme of things. Makes me wish that I had learned to appreciate all of my dad's lessons about being frugal earlier, but also glad that I'm finally on a financial track to success. Really enjoying the posts!
- Kraig @ Young Cheap Living says:October 24, 2013 at 12:20 PM
Hi Reid, Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you're enjoying the posts. You're right, it is important to balance both the present and the things we want to accomplish in the future. Take care,
- Ajaveen says:October 24, 2013 at 2:20 PM
How many times have you heard unsolicited advice from your family or friends? Often, it’s in the form of “What you need to do is Great post ! I agree Kraig. I do not care for unsolicited advice.
- Kraig @ Young Cheap Living says:October 24, 2013 at 2:22 PM
"Fistbump" Agreed. Take care!
- workmyfingerstothebone says:October 24, 2013 at 3:00 PM
I wonder how your advice will change in ten years. If your blogging does not pan out will you return to a 9 to 5 job? Why didn't you get a degree in a field of work you would enjoy? I like computers so that's what I did. Of course not everyday is a party but that's why they call it work. So, for a few decades I do something I enjoy while getting paid. Live frugally, and retire late 50's early 60's. Yes, life could end earlier but you also live to 90+. Not picking on you just saying we can do both, work and have a happy fulfilled life. I actually listen to your podcasts and enjoy the content. Keep them coming.
- Kraig @ Young Cheap Living says:October 24, 2013 at 3:04 PM
WMFTTB, I got a degree in Entrepreneurial Management. That's long for "entrepreneurship", which is what I'm doing. To answer your question, I do enjoy it, very much. I guess, we'll have to see how my advice will change in ten years. I agree with you on your point that we can do both, work and have a happy, fulfilled life. That's what I'm working towards. Sorry, if I gave off the impression that I was trying to do something different than that. I appreciate your reader/listenership. Take care!
